How to (Not) undermine yourself in one easy lesson

By Su Wild-River.

Today I started a new project with three first-time collaborators. It’s an exciting topic and I’m thrilled to be a part of it. Two team members are published experts in the field. The other directs a government program on it. I know quite a bit about other things that are broadly relevant.

I bring other areas of expertise.

When our first draft proposal didn’t make the grade, it was me who found the pathway between what the client wanted, and what we could deliver. When team members balked at a less interesting scope, I gave an upbeat reminder that it’s the client’s prerogative to choose what they pay for. I edited our proposal to ensure a focus on what they wanted. These interventions were key to us being hired to do the work.

Many times I was so out of my depth that I felt like I was reading a different language. At first I couldn’t discern if my partners proposed to measure, model or review parameters. I thought they had misunderstood key terms, but knew it was more likely my own error. I was flummoxed by the difference between spatial and categorical, historical and predicted factors. I knew none of the acronyms. But I kept on reading and redrafting until every paragraph told me a coherent story, repeatedly deleting my initial edits and replacing them with something sensible. With about eight hours work I became familiar with a whole new field of work.

The expertise I applied here is to be comfortable in the dark. I was instructed in this skill by my first year statistics lecturer and it is one of the most important things I have ever learned. It means moving beyond a fear of failure to embrace the unknown. It is learning to love the cramping terror in the pit of my stomach, which is the feeling of creativity. It demands a paced journey through discomfort while knowledge replaces ignorance.

I am grateful that in this project, I had time to move through this process alone at my own computer. By the time I actually met my team members I had some very good questions to ask. So good in fact, that when we met together with the client, I asked the first three questions. I brought some good new ideas which spurred animated discussion. And all this while still largely in the dark about at least half of what was being said.

I made only one major mistake. That was to start a sentence “So you must have noticed by now that I’m not the expert here, but I wonder…..”

This phrase was self-defeating and undermining. It positioned me as a pretender in others’ minds. In hindsight, I think I don’t think anyone had noticed that I was out of my depth until that moment, but in saying this I sowed a seed of doubt about my every contribution.

I started the sentence with an apology because I wasn’t sure if my question had been covered before. What should I have done instead? Not ask the question? Ask a simpler one instead? Ask it without the opening phrase? Any of these would have been better.

So what was my motivation for underselling myself? I think it was fear of having my cluelessness discovered, and a sense that it was safer to acknowledge it up front. But this is wrong on so many levels. My low-level specialist expertise has value so long as I am willing to fit in, learn, and help. Asking an obvious question can show the experts that part of their story is simply not clear. Naming the opacity gives my team the edge in communicating findings effectively. And all of that other related knowledge can help us to fit our project into other the bigger picture.

And for my next trick, I’ll try to remember these lessons the next time it counts.

How do you feel in the dark, and what do you do for a torch?

Photo by Tim McCann

Photo and artwork by Tim McCann

4 comments

  • Great piece Su. I too feel that sometimes I do this. I wonder if it is also wanting to be honest about where we are at? That wanting to come across as having integrity when dealing with a potential client by telling them everything…including how we are feeling. That being said – it is also important not to come from a position of self deprecation – that never works, I absolutely hate that when people do that talking to me. There’s a lovely cartoon I have seen on FB about not comparing yourself to others – two little kids with their comparison speech bubbles crossed out (things saying ‘she is so pretty, she is so clever’) and instead above them it says ‘Awesome & Also Awesome’.

    I have had two woman come up to me lately and talk about how they are feeling so undermined by their feelings of non-confidence in the permaculture industry. They both have as much if not more experience with permaculture, but have never used it to make a difference to their working/community life. So I am starting a support group with them – called ‘Gettin your Permie Mojo back!’

    Hope the project comes off fantastically….love your work.

    kx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comments Kath. It was useful to write this piece, as I found myself nearly undermining again many times today. Obviously its going to be a hard habit to break, even after working on it most of my life. Good luck with it, and thanks for the good wishes on the project.

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  • Great article. I think the challenge is not only to reframe how we position ourselves to others, but how to reframe how we think about ourselves. I will talk the talk when I believe it, and that is my biggest challenge, sadly. But working on it. Your article is a timely reminder to keep at it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Keep At It MissQ. It certainly would be nice to believe in ourselves at all times. Sometimes I lose my confidence just when I need it most. Then I tell myself to ‘bloke it up’, and pretend for a moment that no-one doubts I am the best person for the job even if all evidence is screaming at me otherwise. I think a lot of people who rise to the top live in that headspace all the time, so it’s OK for me to borrow their physical stance and confident tone to get through the occasional crisis.

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